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Obstinate and Independent
During the workshop, co-facilitator and parenting educator Jill Dulany noted that this sudden shift from malleable infant to independent toddler is actually quite normal.
"This is a major stage of exploration. They start to figure out what they like and don't like," Dulany explained.
Toddlers are egocentric (believing the world revolves around them), impulsive and lack judgment. They have tantrums from frustration and are very needy and insecure. They can't learn to share until they're three and a half or four years old, often leading to conflicts with their pint-size pals. They're some-times fearful of animals, clowns, drains, strangers, haircuts, water and the dark, according to workshop co-facilitators Dulany and Susan Endy. Sound like a nightmare in the making (or perhaps a "real challenge" is a better phrase)? I sure think it does. Of course, every child is an individual so with any luck, our normally-a-little-angel Jennifer won't have all these problems. (Is that wishful thinking or what?)
Say 'yes,' and other ideas
"We have expectations of ourselves... "If I am just so kind and so loving, my child will always be happy-,'" said parenting educator Endy. However, a child's "job" is to learn to be independent. "Sometimes it's hard for us to take." The following are some ideas from the workshop on how to handle this potentially difficult period:
- Look for signs that your child is hungry, overtired or overstimulated and respond appropriately.
- If a toddler's request is reasonable, grant his wish instead of automatically saying "no." "You're helping the children learn what they want to learn instead of always saying no," said Endy. Added Dulany, "Pick your battles."
- Use distraction (go on to a new activity or a different toy) and substitution ("Books aren't for coloring, but here's some paper").
- Try the technique of "extinction" by ignoring unpleasant (but not dangerous) behavior until the instant it stops then reinforcing the new, more positive behavior with praise and attention.
- Use "Time Outs" sparingly to stop a behavior and allow the child to calm down by removing him from the situation. Set a time limit such as one minute for each year of age, or specify what the child must do (or stop doing) in order to return.
Warn the child that a transition is coming. "After we get dressed we are going in the car to Grandma's house." Toddlers have trouble shifting from one thing to another.
Try to stick to some rituals and routines to provide a sense of security and safety. Toddlers love sameness.
Modify the environment. Provide interesting activities and materials, enlarge safe play areas, make it easier for a child to do things himself (toys on an accessible low shelf), remove dangerous and breakable items and limit problem activities to certain areas (Playdough only in the kitchen).
Provide clear expectations using simple language and declarative statements. ("It's lunchtime and we're going to sit down and have a sandwich," not "Do you want to eat lunch now?")
Use consequences. A "natural consequence" is the direct result of a child's own actions, such as playing in the snow without mittens causes cold hands. A "logical consequence" is the result provided by the adult, such as removing the child to another room if he hits a friend. Both kinds of consequences must be related to the unacceptable behavior, occur every time the unacceptable behavior does, and be acceptable to the parent. When this technique is used, your child should become more responsibile for the results of his own actions.
Praise appropriate behavior with specific descriptive language.
Now that I am armed with some practical information I feel somewhat prepared for the "new" Jennifer, who will surely be testing her wings (and her parents' patience) in the coming years.
For more information on Parents Inc. and a free brochure on upcoming workshops and playgroups, call (215) 830-1370 or (215) 241-1700.
-- Jeanne Schwarzer
Jeanne Schwarzer is a free-lance writer and the mother of two small girls.
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