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On Behalf of Boys There is a great deal we simply have not understood nor even noticed about how boys and men experience their lives. Much of what we do know is alarming. Boys suffer a host of hardships and dangers in their families, communities and schools. They need protection and advocacy in a social system which often seems unwilling to consider their well-being. To say that boys need advocacy tends to generate controversy. Popular opinion holds that boys have been overly advantaged in society for generations. And, that men have traditionally been viewed as the "oppressors" of women in society. While this has largely been true, we should remember that boys themselves are not responsible for these politics. They are born into a world where an ever-changing set of rules already exists. Next to their immediate families, schools decisively structure how a boy's masculinity is developed, rewarded, practiced and punished. Schools have a curriculum which aims to teach boys how to become men. This curriculum has been called "hidden" with respect to girls; but for boys, it is invisible. We have recently come to challenge the unfair and limiting assumptions and practices for girls. But our generalized concern with what some feel is the "delicate" nature of manhood, appears to prevent us from challenging how we do things with boys. It seems so important that boys wind up with carefully selected traits that we tolerate a range of (often negative) behavior from them (and treatment of them) in the hope that these urgent goals are served. Rationalizations like "boys will be boys" abound in our attitude.

Help Boys Stay Close Cultural pressures operate in families to let boys go on their own very early, resulting at times in a virtual abandonment of male children. Both parents and boys themselves receive powerful messages from everywhere in the culture that intimacy and affection between sons and parents could undermine a boy's masculinity. Role expectations for parents and sons can cause boys to push away from their parents prematurely and unnecessarily, at the same time as parents surrender to subtle pressures to let go of their sons. The idea of masculinity as fragile and vulnerable to interference generates a "hands off" policy toward boys. In The Courage to Raise Good Men (1994), Silverstein argues that parents, particularly mothers, should worry less about spoiling masculinity and keep in mind the fundamental needs of all children, including boys, for nurturance and closeness. Helping boys to stay close means thinking clearly ourselves about their needs for affection, guidance and limits as well as helping them to resist enormous pressures and anxieties which define manhood as not needing anyone. All children need to become independent and develop a full sense of themselves as individuals. The tightrope of parenting is encouraging independence, and fostering relationship, while setting appropriate limits and policies. Appreciate Boys Boys need clear messages that it is great to be a boy; that our society welcomes and values them as males. It's difficult to advocate for boys without recalling centuries of male domination, always at the expense of women and girls. Saying it is great to be a boy is not saying that being male is better than being female -- but only that it is great to be what one happens to be. Both genders provide real opportunities for expression, satisfaction and challenge. Protect Boys from Violence There is a popular notion that aggression and violent behavior in boys is normal. In believing that "boys will be boys," we have permitted harshness, intimidation and violence to dominate their lives on the playground, in school hallways and on athletic fields. We make boys violent because of the treatment we give them and the violence we expect and allow from them. Most men have experienced or witnessed serious violence. Violence which some men perpetrate against women is deplorable; but the largest group of victims of violence are other males. Random violence can strike a boy almost anywhere and at anytime. All boys know this; being constantly on the lookout for potential attack often dominates their attention. Subjecting boys to routine, systematic violence, often right under the noses of adults responsible for their care, has serious consequences for both men and society. It's no surprise that "hurt people hurt people." We must break the cycle of violence and realize how normal it is in boys' lives. We must also do something about the violence on TV and throughout the media, the war games in the schoolyard and those sports programs that exploit children. Parents are in a particularly powerful position to counter popular myths that state boys are destined by biology to fight, taunt and bully each other. We love and value our sons, and know that no child is expendable. Boys should be protected from the harsher forces of the world, until they are strong enough to understand what is natural and what is wrong. We can begin with our own attitudes and what we permit in our families, schools and communities. Provide Models and Mentors for Boys Being a man is not one thing -- it can be many things. Good men come from many directions. What they have in common, perhaps, is a full sense of themselves which allows them to be both responsible and generous. We must find new ways to model for, value and reward boys who show the courage to resist conformity and not "go along with the crowd." For a boy, the value of a positive man to interact with, to question, observe and react to cannot be argued. The value of a relationship with an adult male is the chance to learn firsthand the human dimension to manhood. How does a man get up in the morning, eat his cereal, create his life, correct his mistakes, love his family? With flesh and blood interaction, notions of manhood can be placed in perspective; without it, they tend to be stereotypic and often exaggerated and tyrannical. For boys, it helps to see a man negotiating these issues, struggling himself and explaining the options he perceives, and the choices he makes. These ideas are not meant to overlook the contributions of mothers, nor over-estimate the mere presence of a father. These lessons are ones that we have discovered from our research and practice; they are neither complete nor finished. They are offered as a way to initiate conversation about boys and about our responsibility toward them. One key lesson from gender studies is about our power to affect the lives of our children. Boys are in need of our thoughtful care. by Michael C. Reichert, Ph.D. Michael C. Reichert, Ph.D., is project director of the "On Behalf of Boys" initiatives at The Haverford School in Haverford, Pa. Timothy Blankenhorn, Assistant Headmaster and Project Coordinator, also contributed to the study. In 1994, 100 years after it was founded, The Haverford School reaffirmed its commitment to boys by creating a resource center for discussing and thinking about boys' lives -- and necessarily, men's lives. This new effort, The Men's Studies Project, employs careful research and scholarship to help parents, educators and communities more effectively raise, educate, understand and support boys.