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Parenting Tip: What To Do When Your Children Fight Over Toys When your children play tug-of-war over a toy, how do you respond? Do you separate them from the toy by taking it away and saying, "Neither of you can have it"? Do you send them for "time out" to calm down? Or, do you suggest they share the toy, or even explain that one child may hurt the other, or that the toy could break? Taking the toy away, or sending children to time out may make them feel angry, frustrated and powerless. Suggesting and explaining are more positive forms of handling fighting over toys, but they are both doing the thinking for the child. There is another way to help your children in this kind of conflict--the problem-solving way. How do children learn to think this way? First, in calm moments, have some fun with words that children can use to help them settle disputes. Second, help them think of more than one way to solve problems.

Fun with Words The word pair "same/different" can help children later think of a different way to solve the same problem. First, have fun with these words by pointing to two things in the room that are the same color (a chair and a couch) and ask, "How are this chair and couch the SAME?" Then ask, "How are they DIFFERENT?" You can let the child be the leader and perform a motion such as rolling his or arms. Your child can tell the rest of the family to do "something the same" or "something different." The word pair "before/after" can help children learn about the consequences of their behavior. First, play a game by asking, "Do I get dressed BEFORE or AFTER I get out of bed in the morning?" Let your children make up more examples. Problem Solved Now, when your children are fighting over toys, you can associate the words to real life by asking, "What happened BEFORE your brother hit you?" Then ask each child, "Can either of you think of a DIFFERENT way to solve this problem?" One five-year-old boy said to his three-year-old brother, "You can have this for a little while, but when it's my turn, I'll tell you and you have to give it back." They both smiled, and the boy gave the truck to his brother. What a different outcome from taking the toy away, time out, suggesting or explaining (which often falls on deaf ears). Instead of anger and frustration, the children felt pride. -- by Dr. Myrna B. Shure Dr. Shure hosted a special radio series, TALKING ABOUT KIDS, on WHYY-91FM in 1998. Listen for new parenting tips in the spring and summer of 1999, and click here for Real Audio from the 1998 show.