Parenting Tips
By Myrna B. Shure, Ph.D
For the WHYY Children's Service

"Mommy, Tommy Hit Me"

Has your child ever come home from school with a common whine, "Mommy, Tommy hit me?" One mom told her son Kevin to hit him back. When Kevin replied, "But I'm afraid," his mom explained, "I don't want you to be so timid." Although Kevin uttered the word OK, did he ever really do that?

Another mom told her daughter Rachel not to hit back, but to tell the teacher instead. When Rachel said, "I'd be called a tattletale," her mom answered, "If you don't tell the teacher, she'll keep on hitting you."

Different advice - same approach. Both parents were doing the thinking for the child. Neither child had to think any more about what to do, only how to do it - or to keep their parents from learning they hadn't.

Here's a different way to talk to your children about this.

Ask:
What happened before he hit you?

How do think he felt when that happened?

And how did you feel when he hit you?

Can you think of something different to do so he won't hit you and you both won't feel that way?

With these kinds of non-threatening questions that make it safe for a child to talk about what really happened, Kevin acknowledged that he called Tommy stupid.

Instead of pouncing on him with an accusatory, "Why did you do that!" Mom asked earnestly, "Was something bothering you?" Kevin told her that Tommy tore his book. When asked about his own and Tommy's feelings, Kevin recognized that Tommy was mad and expressed his own anger too.

When asked if he could think of something different that he could do so Tommy won't hit him and they both won't be mad, Kevin thought for a moment, and then said, "I could tear his book." Now Mom asked, "What might happen then?" and Kevin said, "We fight." "And what else could you do?" Mom asked. Kevin paused, then answered, "I could tell him I won't be his friend."

Kevin's mom didn't tell, or suggest what to do. More importantly, she helped her son think about it. Kevin is only four years old.