Talking About Kids tips for February 5th's program, Adolescence

Adolescence is a time when youngsters think about "Who Am I?" Encourage your teenager to talk about qualities about him or her, and qualities that make him or her feel special.

With adolescence comes new abilities to think about the future. "Who do I want to be?" Ask your teenager to tell you what qualities in people he or she most admires, and what kind of person he or she wants to become. You may learn a lot about what motivates him or her. You will then be better able to help your teenager plan for the future.

Teenagers need family support in exploring their identity. Their thoughts and feelings need to be listened to, and taken seriously. If you listen, and appreciate your teenager's thoughts, he or she will listen to you.

Questions you can ask include:

• Is it possible that you want so and so?
• I get the impression that what you want for yourself is such and such.
• Could that be true?
• What is it you think at this point (or in this situation) you want most for yourself?

Adolescents are very concerned about what their friends think. Encourage your teenager to spend time with peers. It is a time when they seek relationships outside of the family, as they will help your youngster try out his or her values and identity, and find group support in them.

If your teenager asks you about your earlier years, share your adolescent struggles and ideals and confusions with them. Talk about the influences in your life that affected who you became and why you chose the paths you did.

Don't be concerned with apparent inconsistencies in what your adolescent feels about himself or herself. It is a period of exploring into and establishing a set of inner goals and values. Don't be too quick to pass judgment or pontificate, or dialogue will be closed off.

Remember that in adolescence, youngsters are capable of exploring in their own mind many possibilities about what is important them, and who they wish to become: as a person, as a worker, as a friend, as a lover, as a parent. Relax. Don't worry that any one idea or possibility is an inevitability.

From George Spivack, Ph.D
Widener University