Talking About Kids tips for January 15th's program, Children and Moral Growth

Cheating:

Help children understand that cheating is unacceptable because:

• Cheating is unfair to those who don't cheat because it puts the cheater at an unearned advantage.
• Cheating is dishonest. It violates trust between the cheater and the person cheated.
• In school, cheating disrespects the authority of the teacher and the school. It also contaminates the feedback that grades are meant to give, warping the school's mission of providing teaching and learning.

Start communicating household rules to children early in their lives.

Consistency is all-important.

As soon as they are able, children should be helped to understand the purpose of the rules that they are expected to follow.

Sanctions for rule breaking should be calibrated to the child's age as well as to the frequency and severity of the violation.

Children of all ages should be given assignments around the house, even if, for a very young child, it's just to bring a dish from the table into the kitchen.

Assignments should be modest, age-graded, and regular. Household tasks should not be so time-consuming as to interfere with schoolwork or other activities important to them.

Regular chores should be done without money in return, but because a child is a member of the family. Only chores above and beyond the normal call of duty should be compensated. Regular allowances should be given independent of regular household responsibilities.

From: The Youth Charter
Free Press, l997
by William Damon, Ph.D

Recognize that very young children may not be able to distinguish between a lie and the truth.

If we want our children not to lie, we have to make it safe for them to tell the truth.

Avoid setting the child up to lie with threatening questions as, "WHY did you (e.g., hit your brother)?!" Instead, ask, "What's the problem?" "Tell me about what happened?" Once you know what really happened, you can help your child solve the problem.

If your child lies consistently, try to find out the underlying reason. If he is afraid to tell the truth, explain that you would like to know what really happened, without threats.

Reward your child for telling the truth, but still apply sanctions consonant with the child's age and severity of the transgression.

If your child does not, for example, like a gift from grandma, teach him or her thank grandma for giving the gift. The child does not have to say he or she likes the gift.

If your child asks you about your own activities when you were younger, such as "Did you ever use drugs?" tell the truth, and use this as an opportunity to discuss your feelings about this now. If you tell the truth, your child will tell the truth.

Children at different ages have a different understanding about what is fair. When you hear, "That's not fair," ask your child what he or she means by that, or why something is not fair.

"He hit me first," or "I had it first" are common replies in conflict situations with siblings or other children. Don't try to find out who really hit, or had the toy first. Try to guide the children to think of solutions to their problem.

Use examples from story books and ask your child to talk about what is and is not fair, and how the characters can solve the problem.

Show your child that you care about what is fair. Your child will care too.

TIPS from Marsha Weinraub, Ph.D
Contact: Department of Psychology
Temple University
Weiss Hall Rm. 614
Philadelphia, PA l9122